new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
