so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
