I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
