Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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