the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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