Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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