Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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