is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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