then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
