"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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