it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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