A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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