You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
