Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
