I'm jealous of your bromance
I skipped work to stalk him.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
