Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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