My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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