well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
