oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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