I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
