i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
