why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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