I accidentally burped into my bong.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
