I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
