i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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