how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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