You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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