He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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