it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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