pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
