Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
