he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
