she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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