This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
