grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
