you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
