Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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