so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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