As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
