if i can run in heels then i can drive
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
