Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
