What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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