Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.