One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.