I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat