He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
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You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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