In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
whose parrot is this?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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