dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
