PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
