You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
