I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
