I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
