how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
