Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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