ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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