I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
