So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
