I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
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I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
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Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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