if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
